15 years ago and beautifully broken

15 years ago I was in high school…in fact I was just told I was going to leave my home in Seattle and move across the country to Knoxville, Tennessee of ALL places on the planet. WTF mom and dad? Are you serious!?!? Little did I know at the time that was my saving grace, a personal transformation that I did not want or expect but turned out to be everything I needed to adapt to new situations, people and places…complacency was something I was not going to accept or live by.

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In high school I may have been labeled a “cool girl”…possibly… hahaha, but I held space, time and love for anyone and everyone. It is challenging to not be pinned down to one group or “clique” as they are labeled nowadays considering high school is all about fitting in, self discovery and figuring out how the F to deal with the onslaught of emotions and hormones raging in our bodies.


I digress…15 years ago I had a vision of my life being something far different than what it is today. I was convinced I was going to be married, three kids, and working happily at home doing arts and crafts and have a handsome husband that doted over me as the mother of his children. Sounds pretty sweet…pretty innocent and actually quite pleasant.


And here I am, alone, on a six-hour plane ride from Boston back to LA after a whirlwind four day tour of planes, trains, taxis and uber rides from LA, NYC and Boston…four workshops, some master classes in there and a performance for the greatest company ever…I am running on a dose of adrenaline, quest bars and the job love bug.


In my reflection time 35,000 feet above I am thinking about where I am today and how I am the happiest I have EVER been. For real, for real, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I know that feeling is hard to come by, in fact I am certain many people would pay to feel it because identifying our purpose is not easy.


I was talking to someone recently and he brought up how he could not believe high school was fifteen years ago…sheesh I echo that shit. But in the same breath, I find it incredibly exciting that I am able to look back at these years and say “I had some wins, some losses and some major breakthroughs and right now, this very second, this single breath I am taking, I KNOW I am where I am meant to be.”


There has to be a lot of trust and surrendering that the plan we were given will eventually show itself to us…and there were years that were pitch black of not knowing what the fuck I was doing or how to control my emotions, but I needed that darkness to appreciate the light I am in now.


Its been pretty awesome to be able to remember how life has ebbed and flowed in the past fifteen years, even more so in the past year…lots of growth, change, letting go, starting over, accepting and embracing love in ways I never thought I would be able to.


I was recently told that I am beautifully broken. Yes, beautifully broken. I am not sure if I should have punched this person or investigate why I would I was seen as “beautifully broken.”


…Of course I investigated…I am female AND I am sensitive. So I came up with…


Maybe I am just someone who embraces the fact I have experienced shitty moments, hated my body, loathed myself, hurt myself and now I am the other side.  Maybe I went through all of that for the greater good. And now I have made the choice to share my story, share my struggles, open my heart up for those to see, hear, touch and witness and for that I am not sorry. For that I am blessed. I do not take it lightly that I have the opportunity to inspire others, motivate an audience and connect to a community…that right there is bliss.


I am sure it makes men weary of dating me, hell, maybe I need to re-think the whole “share my life story bit” but I truly feel that when its right, its right. Until then I can continue to share my beautifully broken story to those that need a little truth, inspiration and connection.


Time to go after those dreams, continue to share my journey and open my heart up to all possibilities, barrel down closed doors and be relentlessly hopeful that I can inspire the world…

vision quotes




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